Hate Me - Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

Waiting...

Toe ek nie meer raad geweet het... - Elisabeth Eybers

Toe ek nie meer raad geweet het met my hart

wat bang-alleen tussen mense gaan,

en tot die aand die bly herinnering dra

wanneer ek één ontmoet het wat verstaan,

toe was jou warm stem en oë soos dié

waarvan ‘n mens somtyds mag droom… en ek

het willoos-kalm jou laat begaan, toe jy

die digte sluier van my siel wegtrek.

Jy het, sonder jammerklag of walging, daar

verminkte lyke van vertroue en hoop

gevind, en oor die ope wonde toe

die olie van jou liefde sag laat loop…

What I need... (updated version)

What I need...

I need a massage
I need a holiday
I need an interesting job
I need to finish my studies soon
I need to meet the endless deadlines
I need money
I need a one-way ticket to London or anywhere else in the world
I need a social life
I need energy
I need to know there are people who really care about me
I need to know the meaning of all this mindless boredom in my life
I need to get my appetite back
I need to drink less coffee
I need to quit some bad habits
I need to get a grip on my life
I need to think about next year
I need more sleep

I just need to get away...

Seems like nothing much has changed since March 2006...

Your Ghost

Your Ghost – Kristin Hersh

If I walk down this hallway 

Tonight it's too quiet 

So I pad through the dark 

And call you on the phone 

Push your old numbers 

And let your house ring 

'Till I wake your ghost 

Let him walk down your hallway 

It's not this quiet 

Slide down your receiver 

Sprint across the wire 

Follow my number 

Slide into my hand 

It's the blaze across my nightgown 

It's the phone's ring 

I think last night 

you were driving circles around me 

I can't drink this coffee 

Till I put you in my closet 

Let him shoot me down 

Let him call me off 

I take it from his whisper

You're not that tough 

It's the blaze across my nightgown 

It's the phone's ring 

You were in my dream (I think last night) 

You were driving circles around me

Hand in my pocket - Alanis Morissette

I’m broke but I’m happy

I’m poor but I’m kind

I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah

I’m high but grounded

I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed

I’m lost but I’m hopeful, baby

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine

Coz I’ve got one hand in my pocket

And the other one’s giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober

I’m young and I’m underpaid

I’m tired but I’m working, yeah

I care but I’m restless

I’m here but I’m really gone

I’m wrong and I’m sorry, baby

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything’s gonna be quite all right

Coz I’ve got one hand in my pocket

And the other one’s flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to

Is that I haven’t gotten it all figured out just yet

Coz I’ve got one hand in my pocket

And the other one’s giving a peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused

I’m green but I’m wise

I’m hard but I’m friendly, baby

I’m sad but I’m laughing

I’m brave but I’m chicken shit

I’m sick but I’m pretty, baby

And what it all boils down to

Is that no one’s gonna figure it out just yet

Coz I’ve got one hand in my pocket

And the other one’s playing a piano

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine

Coz I’ve got one hand in my pocket

And the other one’s hailing a taxi cab

Some random philosophical thoughts I've been having

Life is an endless deja vu feeling (sometimes it is a good feeling, and sometimes bad).

Don't deny yourself the opportunity to love and be loved, just because of some bad experiences that cloud your past, or because of possible bad experiences in future.

There are different kinds of relationships and different kinds of love. It all depends on the situation and the people involved. But having someone you care about in your life in a limited way, is far better than not having them in your life at all.

Understand that you cannot begin to make someone else happy, or expect someone to make YOU happy, it you don't want to be happy yourself.

Everyone deserves TRUE happiness, it is not something that is only destined for some people. People just sometimes let the happiness meant for them, pass them by.

There is an endless difference between truly living, and merely "existing".

You have to take control of your life, and decide what makes YOU happy. Remember that even though other people are really important to you, there should be no reason to neglect your own needs.

Mood update...

When they are alone they want to be with others, and when they are with others they want to be alone. After all, human beings are like that. - Gertrude Stein

That is exactly how I feel at the moment. I love people and being with people, but sometimes I just need a bit of time out... So I booked myself a room in Dullstroom for the long weekend. Which means I get out of the city for the first time in about two years. Which is great. And I get to take pictures again. Which is awesome. But it also means that I'll be doing everything alone, not even having someone to take a pic of me standing somewhere amazing. Don't get me wrong, its not a case of I can't stand being alone or I don't like my own company. No.

The real problem is (and I only really realized it recently) that even though I move between people everyday and even talk to some of them, I had a long year so far feeling "alone in the crowd". Thus, I don't really need to skip town to have "me time", if you know what I mean. I suppose it is because I left so many good friends behind in the UK, because I lost so many supposedly good friends in SA just because of my absence, and that I rarely meet new people these days. Therefore I have hundreds of acquaintances, but the people I can REALLY talk to, the way I like to and about things that are important to me and to them, I can count on one hand. And they have their own lives to keep them busy. Like I once mentioned earlier, I am a social butterfly with broken wings.

This is not the full extent of what is on my mind. My mind being one of the problems, in the sense that I will have way too much time to reflect on times and situations long gone, but which is still lodged in my heart. Which is not good, because it is not like I ever find any explanation or reconciliation in these thoughts. It just makes me miss people I shouldn't, for my own sake, miss; and worry about things that shouldn't trouble my mind. And then there is the fact that I suffer from extreme physical-touch deprivation. By that I only mean I don't get enough, if any, hugs these days. And definately not the amount a "contact type" person strictly needs to survive...

Sigh.

The pieces of my heart

Every time someone special leaves my life or break my heart, they take a piece of my heart, my soul... with them. Which means I am slowly dying emotionally...

The problem is: I don't know how many pieces are missing, and how many pieces are still left for the taking...

How many pieces can you loose before its just too much??

How we met...

Hmmm, I don't agree with everything!

Madeleine, your Personality Summary

Key Areas of your Personality

Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Empathy/ Sensitivity Level

Your Interaction Style:

You scored 80 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward - towards other people and things- rather than inward. You gain energy, rather than lose energy, by moving and interacting. It is essential that your work environment matches your extroversion/ introversion tendency, otherwise you won't feel happy.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to interacting with people and recognizing emotions in other people.
What does this mean? Since there is a 'cross-over' in the human brain for visual information, it means that you tend to focus on the right side of a person's face when you want to figure out what they are thinking and feeling. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie.
Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.

Ek kan nie meer onthou nie - Stephan Bouwer

Vanaand
na al die maande
weet ek dat ek jou vergeet het
is ek weer vry

ek kan nie meer jou bruin oe onthou nie
ek kan nie meer jou swart hare
en al die krulletjies op jou voorkop onthou nie
ek kan nie meer die twintig lagplooitjies
om jou oe onthou nie
ek kan nie eers meer die vlekkie
op jou maag onthou nie

weet jy
ek kan niks meer onthou nie

Some of my all-time favourite quotes from similarly favourite books....

"If people wanted to go around teaching people lessons, other people should remember that those people know a thing or two about people." Maskarade - Terry Pratchett

"It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made up the phrase 'people are people everywhere' had traditionally thouht of as people." The Fifth Elephant - Terry Pratchett

"It's just that I'm happy now, and I guess that's how we judge a place, isn't it? Not for what it is, but for what we are when we live there." Sarah's Window - Janice Graham

"I sometimes thought about how we'd be together, if he came back from some other part of the universe. A whole continent of me was washed away when he died, I wasn't sure he'd recognise what got left behind as being his home planet." Fly Away Peter - Stevie Morgan

"It occured to Agnes... that if you spent much time in the same room as Christine you'd need to open a window to stop from drowning in punctuation." Maskarade - Terry Pratchett

"If you dipped Angie into a reservoir it would turn yellow and poison many cities." Every Woman for Herself - Trisha Ashley

Oor die liefde

As ek my vreemde liefde bloot moes le,
Wat sou die vrome skenders van die skoonheid se?
Sou hul, met heilige voreontwaardiging,
Besoedelende vingers God-waarts steek,
En na die self-regverdigende reiniging
Hul eer na my kom wreek?
Of sou 'n sprank van hierdie vuur wat in my gloei
Ook hulle aanraak, sodat hul verstaan
Die liefde neem 'n duisend vorme aan?

VIII
Ek het my aan jou oorgegee
So onvoorwaardelik, dat ek soms vrees
Vernietiging is al wat daar uiteindelik
Vir my kan wees;
Want voorheen kon ek in die fluistering
Van die wind en water ander dinge hoor:
Nou het my siel in stille mymering
Sy krag verloor.
Dis jy wat tot my fluister in die bome
En aangesweef kom op die wind;
En slegs in jou, verheerlik deur my drome,
Kan ek myself weer vind.

- I.D. du Plessis

If you haven't realized from my previous few posts...

... I'm at a difficult point in my life. I wish I could stop the bus, get off, and head back in the other direction. This is just getting too much for me. I never thought anything like this would happen to me. Thought I would be immune to something like this. But I fell, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before.

I don't want my life to be like this. But unfortunately it already is. And I'm trying to change it, trying to forget... but I can't. I really tried. I did my best to forget for the past three months. But if anything, its even worse now than it was before. These feelings that I can't keep to myself anymore, and can't share.

Only two people except me knows what this is really all about. One being the person caught up in this mess with me, and the other one a friend who went through something similar recently. I wish I could speak about it. But nobody would understand. I know that much.

The worst is that I didn't ask for this to happen. Honestly. Although I realize I'm not blameless. Can I blame fate for this? Or do I have to accept full responsibility for something I feel I have no control over? Or do have to blame "the other person" in this situation?

But then I realize something shocking: I don't want to blame anyone. I don't want this to be wrong, or to let it make me feel this way. I want it to work out, to turn out differently than it already did. But it can't. It just can't. Never.

How do you forget? How do you move on? How do you stop caring?

James Kavanaugh

We should have met sooner

We should have met sooner
Before the others came along
To scar you and bind you
To tie you with responsibilities
Before the wind was out of your hair.

We should have met sooner
Before mortgages and children
To hold you and chain you
To smother you with demands
Before the wind was out of your hair.

We should have met sooner
And held off the world for a while,
To have time only for each other,
To escape the numbered days and nights
Before the sun was out of your eyes.

Now we must be gypsies in the suburbs,
Nomands in the city park,
Vagabonds with only weekends,
Dreamers who must sleep before the dawn,
Lovers with one eye on the clock.

We should have met sooner
Before the sun was out of your eyes.
Before the wind was out of your hair.

Sunshine Days and Foggy Nights

I was born to catch dragons in their dens
And pick flowers
To tell tales and laugh away the morning
To drift and dream like a lazy stream
And walk barefoot across sunshine days.

I was born to find goblins in their caves
And chase moonlight
To see shadows and seek hidden rivers
To hear the rain fall on dry leaves
And chat a bit with death across foggy nights.

I was born to rub my hands in dirt
And walk green hills
To plant corn and make bread
To build a house strong against the wind
And to live free across sunshine days.

I was born to watch owls in dark forests
And hear coyotes cry
To feel trees tremble and the grass sleep
To taste cold air and smell the damp earth
And watch ghostly shapes disappear across foggy nights.

I was born to love a man wrapped in sunshine
And dressed in fog
To make a pact on a high hill
Ratified centuries ago by the sun
To walk together through sunshine days and foggy nights.

I laugh and cry with the same eyes

I laugh and cry with the same eyes,
Love and hate with the same heart.
I feel my rage and my gentleness,
My sanity and suicide.
When I hide my anger, my joy doesn't seem real.
When I hide my fear, my strength is a fraud.
If I only laugh, I leave no place for your pain.
If I only shout, I leave no place for your tenderness.
I want to be all of myself,
So you can be all of yourself,
And together we can be whole.

This is whats on my mind...

Where would we be now? - Good Charlotte

I smile, you laugh, I look away
I sigh, you ask me way, I say
Its OK and I'm just feelin' down
Your hand on mine I hear the words
If only love has found us first,
Our lives then would be different, oh
So I stand and wait, I am just a woman, oh

Where would we be now baby,
If we found eachother first
Where would we be now baby

And now I must confess
That I am a sinking ship
And I'm anchored by the weight of my heart
Cause its filled with these feelings
But I keep my true thoughts locked, beside my heart's black box
And it won't be found, it won't survive through the smoke or the wreckage
So I crash and burn, I have a lot of things to learn, oh

Where would we be now baby,
If we found eachother first
What would you do now darling,
If I say these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait
As long as you want
But where would we be now baby

I'll wait, I'll wait

Where would we be now baby,
If we found eachother first
What would you do now darling,
If I say these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait
As long as you want
But where would you be now baby
I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait

Weens gebrek aan enige eie kreatiewe gedagtes... Hier is 'n paar quotes

Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them - On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly - After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.
- Salvador Dali

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 153

Ek wens ek was...

... ver weg van al die aardse probleme en gemors en hartseer. Ek wens ek kon iewers in die ruimte dryf. En vergeet.

The worst feeling in the world...

... To love someone you can never ever have. And you both know it but wish it wasn't so. Why oh why?