Mood update...

When they are alone they want to be with others, and when they are with others they want to be alone. After all, human beings are like that. - Gertrude Stein

That is exactly how I feel at the moment. I love people and being with people, but sometimes I just need a bit of time out... So I booked myself a room in Dullstroom for the long weekend. Which means I get out of the city for the first time in about two years. Which is great. And I get to take pictures again. Which is awesome. But it also means that I'll be doing everything alone, not even having someone to take a pic of me standing somewhere amazing. Don't get me wrong, its not a case of I can't stand being alone or I don't like my own company. No.

The real problem is (and I only really realized it recently) that even though I move between people everyday and even talk to some of them, I had a long year so far feeling "alone in the crowd". Thus, I don't really need to skip town to have "me time", if you know what I mean. I suppose it is because I left so many good friends behind in the UK, because I lost so many supposedly good friends in SA just because of my absence, and that I rarely meet new people these days. Therefore I have hundreds of acquaintances, but the people I can REALLY talk to, the way I like to and about things that are important to me and to them, I can count on one hand. And they have their own lives to keep them busy. Like I once mentioned earlier, I am a social butterfly with broken wings.

This is not the full extent of what is on my mind. My mind being one of the problems, in the sense that I will have way too much time to reflect on times and situations long gone, but which is still lodged in my heart. Which is not good, because it is not like I ever find any explanation or reconciliation in these thoughts. It just makes me miss people I shouldn't, for my own sake, miss; and worry about things that shouldn't trouble my mind. And then there is the fact that I suffer from extreme physical-touch deprivation. By that I only mean I don't get enough, if any, hugs these days. And definately not the amount a "contact type" person strictly needs to survive...

Sigh.