Hmmm, I don't agree with everything!

Madeleine, your Personality Summary

Key Areas of your Personality

Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Empathy/ Sensitivity Level

Your Interaction Style:

You scored 80 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily outward - towards other people and things- rather than inward. You gain energy, rather than lose energy, by moving and interacting. It is essential that your work environment matches your extroversion/ introversion tendency, otherwise you won't feel happy.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to interacting with people and recognizing emotions in other people.
What does this mean? Since there is a 'cross-over' in the human brain for visual information, it means that you tend to focus on the right side of a person's face when you want to figure out what they are thinking and feeling. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie.
Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.

Ek kan nie meer onthou nie - Stephan Bouwer

Vanaand
na al die maande
weet ek dat ek jou vergeet het
is ek weer vry

ek kan nie meer jou bruin oe onthou nie
ek kan nie meer jou swart hare
en al die krulletjies op jou voorkop onthou nie
ek kan nie meer die twintig lagplooitjies
om jou oe onthou nie
ek kan nie eers meer die vlekkie
op jou maag onthou nie

weet jy
ek kan niks meer onthou nie

Some of my all-time favourite quotes from similarly favourite books....

"If people wanted to go around teaching people lessons, other people should remember that those people know a thing or two about people." Maskarade - Terry Pratchett

"It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made up the phrase 'people are people everywhere' had traditionally thouht of as people." The Fifth Elephant - Terry Pratchett

"It's just that I'm happy now, and I guess that's how we judge a place, isn't it? Not for what it is, but for what we are when we live there." Sarah's Window - Janice Graham

"I sometimes thought about how we'd be together, if he came back from some other part of the universe. A whole continent of me was washed away when he died, I wasn't sure he'd recognise what got left behind as being his home planet." Fly Away Peter - Stevie Morgan

"It occured to Agnes... that if you spent much time in the same room as Christine you'd need to open a window to stop from drowning in punctuation." Maskarade - Terry Pratchett

"If you dipped Angie into a reservoir it would turn yellow and poison many cities." Every Woman for Herself - Trisha Ashley

Oor die liefde

As ek my vreemde liefde bloot moes le,
Wat sou die vrome skenders van die skoonheid se?
Sou hul, met heilige voreontwaardiging,
Besoedelende vingers God-waarts steek,
En na die self-regverdigende reiniging
Hul eer na my kom wreek?
Of sou 'n sprank van hierdie vuur wat in my gloei
Ook hulle aanraak, sodat hul verstaan
Die liefde neem 'n duisend vorme aan?

VIII
Ek het my aan jou oorgegee
So onvoorwaardelik, dat ek soms vrees
Vernietiging is al wat daar uiteindelik
Vir my kan wees;
Want voorheen kon ek in die fluistering
Van die wind en water ander dinge hoor:
Nou het my siel in stille mymering
Sy krag verloor.
Dis jy wat tot my fluister in die bome
En aangesweef kom op die wind;
En slegs in jou, verheerlik deur my drome,
Kan ek myself weer vind.

- I.D. du Plessis

If you haven't realized from my previous few posts...

... I'm at a difficult point in my life. I wish I could stop the bus, get off, and head back in the other direction. This is just getting too much for me. I never thought anything like this would happen to me. Thought I would be immune to something like this. But I fell, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before.

I don't want my life to be like this. But unfortunately it already is. And I'm trying to change it, trying to forget... but I can't. I really tried. I did my best to forget for the past three months. But if anything, its even worse now than it was before. These feelings that I can't keep to myself anymore, and can't share.

Only two people except me knows what this is really all about. One being the person caught up in this mess with me, and the other one a friend who went through something similar recently. I wish I could speak about it. But nobody would understand. I know that much.

The worst is that I didn't ask for this to happen. Honestly. Although I realize I'm not blameless. Can I blame fate for this? Or do I have to accept full responsibility for something I feel I have no control over? Or do have to blame "the other person" in this situation?

But then I realize something shocking: I don't want to blame anyone. I don't want this to be wrong, or to let it make me feel this way. I want it to work out, to turn out differently than it already did. But it can't. It just can't. Never.

How do you forget? How do you move on? How do you stop caring?

James Kavanaugh

We should have met sooner

We should have met sooner
Before the others came along
To scar you and bind you
To tie you with responsibilities
Before the wind was out of your hair.

We should have met sooner
Before mortgages and children
To hold you and chain you
To smother you with demands
Before the wind was out of your hair.

We should have met sooner
And held off the world for a while,
To have time only for each other,
To escape the numbered days and nights
Before the sun was out of your eyes.

Now we must be gypsies in the suburbs,
Nomands in the city park,
Vagabonds with only weekends,
Dreamers who must sleep before the dawn,
Lovers with one eye on the clock.

We should have met sooner
Before the sun was out of your eyes.
Before the wind was out of your hair.

Sunshine Days and Foggy Nights

I was born to catch dragons in their dens
And pick flowers
To tell tales and laugh away the morning
To drift and dream like a lazy stream
And walk barefoot across sunshine days.

I was born to find goblins in their caves
And chase moonlight
To see shadows and seek hidden rivers
To hear the rain fall on dry leaves
And chat a bit with death across foggy nights.

I was born to rub my hands in dirt
And walk green hills
To plant corn and make bread
To build a house strong against the wind
And to live free across sunshine days.

I was born to watch owls in dark forests
And hear coyotes cry
To feel trees tremble and the grass sleep
To taste cold air and smell the damp earth
And watch ghostly shapes disappear across foggy nights.

I was born to love a man wrapped in sunshine
And dressed in fog
To make a pact on a high hill
Ratified centuries ago by the sun
To walk together through sunshine days and foggy nights.

I laugh and cry with the same eyes

I laugh and cry with the same eyes,
Love and hate with the same heart.
I feel my rage and my gentleness,
My sanity and suicide.
When I hide my anger, my joy doesn't seem real.
When I hide my fear, my strength is a fraud.
If I only laugh, I leave no place for your pain.
If I only shout, I leave no place for your tenderness.
I want to be all of myself,
So you can be all of yourself,
And together we can be whole.

This is whats on my mind...

Where would we be now? - Good Charlotte

I smile, you laugh, I look away
I sigh, you ask me way, I say
Its OK and I'm just feelin' down
Your hand on mine I hear the words
If only love has found us first,
Our lives then would be different, oh
So I stand and wait, I am just a woman, oh

Where would we be now baby,
If we found eachother first
Where would we be now baby

And now I must confess
That I am a sinking ship
And I'm anchored by the weight of my heart
Cause its filled with these feelings
But I keep my true thoughts locked, beside my heart's black box
And it won't be found, it won't survive through the smoke or the wreckage
So I crash and burn, I have a lot of things to learn, oh

Where would we be now baby,
If we found eachother first
What would you do now darling,
If I say these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait
As long as you want
But where would we be now baby

I'll wait, I'll wait

Where would we be now baby,
If we found eachother first
What would you do now darling,
If I say these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait
As long as you want
But where would you be now baby
I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait

Weens gebrek aan enige eie kreatiewe gedagtes... Hier is 'n paar quotes

Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them - On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly - After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.
- Salvador Dali

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 153

Ek wens ek was...

... ver weg van al die aardse probleme en gemors en hartseer. Ek wens ek kon iewers in die ruimte dryf. En vergeet.

The worst feeling in the world...

... To love someone you can never ever have. And you both know it but wish it wasn't so. Why oh why?

Feels like I never left...

I'm back in the UK for a (according to me) well-deserved holiday. Spent two wonderful days in London doing a lot of things I always wanted to, but never got around to doing, like "flying" the London Eye, taking pictures of it by night, walking in Hyde Park and shopping (too much!) in Oxford Street. Tomorrow I'm going to Bristol by coach, to spend two more wonderful week with all my friends there. Hopefully will also have time to go to a few other places like Cardiff, etc....

I AM HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME!!!!!!!!!

What I need...

What I need...

I need a massage
I need a holiday
I need an interesting job
I need studies that are worthwhile
I need to meet the endless deadlines
I need money
I need ticket to London
I need a social life
I need energy
I need to know there are people who really care about me
I need to know the meaning of all this mindless boredom in my life
I need to get my appetite back
I need to drink less coffee
I need to quit some bad habits
I need to get a grip on my life
I need to think about next year
I need more sleep
I just need to get away....

Why I was so quiet...

Well, here I am 'back home', although it doesn't feel so normal anymore! Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of reasons why I'm glad to be back in SA, the biggest one being, having the privilege to share a house with my two best friends here, Adam and Andries. But apart from that, I really can't say that life is really grand at the moment. I miss England and my friends there terribly. I miss the freedom and total independence. I miss my job that I loved regardless of the amount of stress it caused. I even miss the bloody misirable british weather!!!!

The fact of the matter is that I, like expected, changed a lot while living in a different country, and on this side all my friends went through different situations. Before I left I was able to have a 21st birthday party with 50 friends that I considered to be more than just acquaintances. Now all but a few has moved away, or finished their studies, or got a full-time job somewhere, or started with different studies... and I'm left feeling very alone. All of my so-called friends where so keen on my return, and now that I'm here I barely see anyone except my housemates! And I need people. Lots of people. I am a social butterfly... with broken wings. To top it all, some of the friends I considered being my best friends, found the love of their lives during my year abroad, and consequently only have time for their boyfriends. And I am, regrettably, single. And I can't imagine where I will meet a nice guy in the near future...

I am currently studying post-grad at the Uni, sitting in a class with about fifteen people or less twice a week. I know about 3 people from my undergraduate studies, but nobody that I would ever consider a good friend. The rest of the people are adults doing a part-time course, or students younger than me who got their degree last year. Therefore, my studies are boring me to death at the moment. Two subjects with irregular assignments are not much of a challenge. And me being the way I am, I'm already losing interest and becoming oh so bored. My days I spend doing the most boring job my mind can get around: a PA at an engineering firm. A proper office job. Regular hours, and regular pay (the regular and quite good pay IS nice, but not enough t contemplate for the fact that my brain is slowly but surely dying of total boredom and misuse). I am not, and never where, made to work in an office. Getting up at 6:30 every morning and doing the same mundane work for 8 long hours each day, and returning home feeling like an easter egg: hollow. Not having the energy to do anything other than fall down on the couch and watch crap on tv until dinnertime, reading a bit and then falling asleep, only to do the same thing again tomorrow. I know some people love routine and such things, good for them, but I am not one of those people. And I can't follow my mother's advice: 'just think aboutthe money'. Because, frankly, I couldn't bother about the money. Yes, I know I need money, and lots of it, to survive, but I find that money simply cannot turn into an issue in my life. Money, even good money, can't take the fact that my heart and soul is so terribly unhappy away.

I also know all about 'mind over matter' and not letting a situation getting you down, and I always managed to do it throughout the years I've been working in the catering business, but that is only because I actually LIKED what I was doing, even though it got really stressful and frustrating sometimes. But this time I'm unable to see the silver lining. I only see a small little twinkle now and again, but that is barely enough to get me out of bed each morning.

It boils down to this: my life is not at all what I wanted it to be this year, and about twenty times worse than I feared it would be. I am bored out of my mind. Unmotivated, depressed and lonely... and I desperately want to return to England....

Oor tyd en afskeid neem...

Ek begin afskeid neem van Engeland en al my maatjies hier, en dis hel moeilik!!!!!!!!!!!

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Man's feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell. ~Jean Paul Richter

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes. ~Henry David Thoreau

EK HAAT AFKSEID NEEM!!!!!

'n Eerste keer vir alles...

'Hulle' se daar is 'n eerste keer vir alles. Vanaand is dit weer bevestig. Ek het na 'n laaaang dag op my voete by die werk (12 ure!!) besluit om saam met my werk-buddies oor te stap na ons hotel se pub, die BLACK SHEEP, net om gou vir 'n ander buddy, Ryan, hallo te se, en dan soos goeie mense huis en bed toe te gaan. Daar aangekom was daar 'n privaat funksie aan die gang: een van ons geliefde regulars, Mr. Williams, wat 'n afskeidspartytjie hou vir 'n kollega wat binnekort aftree. Mr. Williams nooi ons toe ewe vriendelik vir 'n drink of twee, en ons besluit om te bly. Ek bedoel, why not, hy betaal en 'n pint Carlsberg sal nou regtig nie sleg afgaan nie.

Enigste snag was die karaoke. Ek is 'n sucker vir karaoke. Let wel, ek het dit nog net een keer gedoen, saam met twee pelle in Hatfield, halfpad besope. So toe besluit ek en Ashley ons sing nou wel nie alleen nie, maar ons sien kans vir Grease se 'Summer Nights' so saam-saam. Wat ons toe sing, en kry 'n groot applous (nie omdat ons noodwendig so great was nie, maar net soveel beter as die res van die mense wat vroeer gesing het, byvoorbeeld Tim die Bar Manager... ek het hom eerlikwaar gese: "Tim, don't quite your day job!" en hy het saamgestem). Ok, toe oorreed ek vir Dhevan om saam met my Ben E. King se STAND BY ME te sing, weer nogal nie te sleg nie, alhoewel Dhevan baie soos Tim sing... En toe het ek al twee Pints Carlsberg agter die blad op 'n nugter maag, en Mr. Williams cheer en moedig ons aan... So toe besluit ek... Wel, eks eintlik deep down inside moerse skaam, maar die bier help beslis, en ek dink dat Sarah McLachlan se ANGEL een van DIE mooiste songs ooit is, en vra toe vir Mr. Williams hoeveel hy my dare om alleen te sing, considering ekt nog NOOIT ge-Solo nie. Hy se toe tien pond, of twintig as dit regtig goed is. Ek besluit toe what the hell en stap net daar en dan na die DJ en se ek gaan sing. En daar staan ek toe alleen voor al daai mense. En vir die eerste keer in my 22 jaar op aarde nie skaam om alleen daar te staan nie. En ek begin sing, en die mense raak stil. En ek sing verder en die mense maak die ander wat nog probeer praat stil. En ek het nie 'n clue of ek op die noot is nie, maar dit klink vir my moerse goed, so ek is seker nie te erg off-key nie. En toe die liedjie klaar maak is daar so paar sekondes stilte, en toe applous en wolwefluite en mense wat my hande skud... Sug, ek het my paar minute in die Limelight gehad, en boonop twintig pond gekry om een van my favourite songs te sing! Wow. Wat 'n aand... En om te dink ek wou net huis toe gaan en in my kamer sit...

Weet tot nou toe nie waar ek die skielike moed vandaan gekry net nie (moet seker maar die Carlsberg gewees het...) Maar dit was die eerste keer wat ek nie uitgefreak het voor 'n gehoor nie (en ek WEET daarvan... baie jare se (mislukte) klavier optredes wat getuig daarvan...) en dit het great gevoel. Ek gaan sommer een van die dae weer 'n plek soek om te Karaoke!

My most eventful off day in a looooong time...

Sunday was my only off day last week. Ryan and I decided to go and do a bit of Christmas shopping. So after I slept about 5 hours (because I can't fall asleep at 'normal' times these days) he woke me up at 12 and we set off to the Filton Abbey Wood Retail Park. I bought a few Christmas presents and a load of Christmas cards, and started looking for an outfit for our annual staff party in January, but was unable to find anything I liked even though (or maybe because) the Christmas specials are currently all over the place. And then I got bored because Ryan buys more clothes than any female I know, and takes a long time! ;-)

So very hungry (I didn't have anything to eat yet) and in desperate need of a cup of coffee, we headed to the Bradley Stoke Pub close to our house (we fondly call it the 'Sadley Broke') got ourselfs a pint and ordered a meal. I couldn't even finish half of my steak, mainly because I ate way too much garlic bread. Then I got an invite to go for coffee at my new SA friends who live closeby, so I first went to Tesco to buy a few vital things, went home to drop it off, and then spent an hour chatting in my own beloved language with people who are the same as me (we all know the rednecks are a bit weird!). I lost track of the time and got a call from Rodwill who was waiting on the bus stop for me, because a group of us from work decided to go ice skating. Goodness knows why they decided to only meet up at the icerink at 8:30, but oh well. So we spent a cold and wet half hour waiting for the bus, and then another 45mins on a bus full of loud teenage girls going downtown for the night. Now, I must confess that for some reason I NEVER EVER went ice skating before, so I was quite nervous. Got on the ice, and had a few tips from Tony (the cute Irish guy) and he took me on my first round. Then I was left on my own and had to get the hang of it quickly. And hey, I have to say I was pretty good!! Only stayed near the side for about 15mins and then managed to slowly but surely skate around the rink. Didn't try too much speed though, and constantly had to dodge the pros wizzing past me. I only fell twice (when I tried to go too fast) and therefore have a bruised butt today. And muscles in agony!

Well, we stayed there for about two hours and I was ready to go home, but everybody was heading for Bristol's nightlife and they said I'm leaving soon, I shoudn't be so anti-social. So we started out at the Australian pub Walkabout, had a drink or two and then headed for Syndicate. Walking in the rain to get there, I must add. In Syndicate we found all the other people that didn't go ice skating. So we were happily drinking and dancing (and for once I actually enjoyed it, maybe because of the stress of the last few weeks that I just let go then) and rapidly getting sloshed. We were the talk of the hotel today, as a lot of us in our drunken states hit it off with our collegues... uhm... including me... So therefore I got a nice snog from a polish guy called Kacper... uhmmmmm yes, I blame the alcohol.

One of our friends, Toni, joined us after work, around midnight. Two hours later she was lying paralized on the bathroom floor because she got a spiked drink from a strange guy. Our night suddenly went crazy. The bouncer had to carry her outside and we called an ambulance. Somehow her state and the fact that everybody tried to help and thought they knew better than the others, some of these supposidly good friends started screaming and cursing eachother. The ambulance arrived and suddenly everybody was very eager to bundle into the closest taxi and head home. I then offered to go with her to the hospital. If she had to stay overnight I would have had to get a cab back home alone (very expensive!) or if not she had someone with her to take her home. By the time the ambulance left everybody had disappeared, not worrying about what happened to me or Toni. By half two we reached the hospital and they told me to wait in the reception area, they will call me when I can see her. 45 Minutes later I was still waiting and when I finally saw someone again at reception, asked them what was going on. They said very matter-of-factly I can go through now and see her...just to find out they told HER that nobody was there for her! They put her on a drip and said when it was finished we can go home. So there I sat, dead tired and the drunkest I've been in months, waiting for Toni to be sent home. We finally got out around five, and got a taxi to take us to my house, as she couldn't go to her home alone. Managed to get in bed around six.

I was supposed to start work at 12, but you can imagine what I felt like when I woke up at 11. So Toni insisted to call our boss and explain that I was the only one who stayed with her and she won't allow me to work a 12 hour shift in my state. Thank goodness for that!

This Sunday didn't turn out exatly as chill as I wanted it to, but it sure was eventful and very memorable... Sure is different than just relaxing at home on an off day!!!

My song of the week

I decided my favourite song for this week is "True Colours" by Cyndi Lauper. Just because it is one of my "memory songs" of England and suite my current state of mind. I slowly have to start saying goodbye to the place that was my home for more than a year...

Do you have a role model?

I thought it would be interesting to hear what people have to say about role models. Do you have one, who is he/she, what part do they play in your life, etc...

I was chatting with Adam on Skype the other day, and I said something about my role model. Now, I never previously in my life had a role model, esp. not a celebrity, but I came to realize this year that I have found a role model.

My role model is my boss, Chris Mariette, at the Aztec Hotel in Bristol. He is not just a role model, but a valued friend. He's the most motivated and dedicated person I know. He followed and accomplished the big dreams he had even though his circumstances was anything but easy. He has REAL passion for his job and life, something you sadly don't see in enough people these days. Even with the horrible hours he works and the fact that he has three young kids and a wife to keep him busy away from work, he always manages to keep a (sincere) smile on his face and always have something positive to say to someone. He really cares about people. This year he was my pillar of strength, supporting me while my friends and family were far away. He is always ready to be a sympathetic listener, advice giver and shoulder to cry on. And I know he really believes in me and my dreams. We had endless discussions about our (very similar) passions in life, including catering, people, music and photography. I learnt so much from him during this year; how your attitude determines your own happiness, how to be passionate about your job and give your everything, and how to be an 'actor' on the stage of life (even when your heart might be crying inside). Although there are a lot of situations and people that played an important part in my life during my time in England and had some kind of effect in my life, he was and always will be the most significant.

Quote of the day...

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."
-Milton Berle

The Ventersdorp IT Dictionary...

The Ventersdorp IT Dictionary...
(Please note, I may be a Venter, but at least I'm not from the Dorp)

Log On - Make the braai hotter
Log Off - The braai is too hot
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps S
oftware - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.